Stephen Hawking In Zero Gravity
First, let me point out that Hawking is not a Shallow Twit, therefore his advice on galactic social networking relationships may be safely considered at least as valuable as that of Sergey Brin or Arianna Huffington.
Stephen Hawking has recommended that we don’t talk to aliens. He doesn’t specifically mention anything about friending them, or following them, or allowing them to friend or follow us. But, since my brain has at least five percent of the intellectual capacity of his, I feel qualified to address these Vitally-Important-To-All-Of-Us issues.
Dr. Hawking’s reasoning appears to be that aliens with whom one might talk are alive. Humans are alive. Humans are well known to scientific researchers as creatures capable of war, capitalism, software piracy, baby raping, cannibalism and cow tipping. Therefore aliens are probably capable of plundering earth for its resources, without regard for its inhabitants, you know, like human countries and corporations have been doing since earth was invented.
I think that when we examine his reasoning –
“He suggests that aliens might simply raid Earth for its resources and then move on: ‘We only have to look at ourselves to see how intelligent life might develop into something we wouldn’t want to meet.'”
– more closely we can come to only one conclusion: this guy has a much bigger brain than those doofusi (scientific plural of doofus) who think aliens wouldn’t even bother to come to earth unless they wanted to bring us valuable cargo, and pull our collective bacon out of the apocalyptic fire.
I know what you’re thinking right now: Okay, Stephen Hawking might be right about aliens having some stuff in common with earth’s Evil Overlords, but does that mean I shouldn’t friend them, or text message them, or join them in a flash mob?
After much thoughtful consideration, and a scientific comparison of Stephen Hawking’s brain size with my own, I say we would do well to heed Mr Hawking’s advice to avoid “talking” to aliens. I’d even go so far as to say that I feel 73% confident that a brain the size of Mr Hawking’s might have intended “talking” to encompass things like giving aliens access to your private information or intimate party pics, allowing aliens to vote in online polls, co-author blogs, design websites or hold court as professional SEO gurus.
After all, we don’t want the purity of our internet, our schools, our governments and our social cliques polluted by the kind of human thinking and behavior we see around us daily, do we? No, of course we don’t! We want a brighter, cleaner, more sustainable future for ourselves and our planet! And the way to secure that for ourselves and our posterity is to just say no to talking with aliens.
Mr Hawking has a new documentary coming out soon on Discovery, which we will all want to watch. In the meantime, I’m selling WWSD (What Would Steve Do) bracelets because, as humans, we have the attention spans of gnats and need a constant reminder of how to relate to aliens looking to suck the life out of our planet with their innocent-seeming friendship requests.
The WWSD bracelets are only $179.99USD and are crafted of high quality, organic, sustainable and biodegradable acrylic. BTW, they come in beautiful microsuede pouches which have been embroidered by Haitian orphans, which makes them perfect for socially conscious gift giving. Please contact me privately for purchasing information.
The humanitarian news organization, Times Online, has the story about Prof. Hawking’s advice on talking to aliens here.
On a side note, has Stephen Hawking been knighted yet? I mean, Elton John has been so shouldn’t Dr. Hawking be? Oh, wait. Elton brings in tons-o-money so, naturally, he’d get knighted. Big Brains aren’t necessarily big money makers, huh?
Still, that seems kinda sleazy to me…that a country might honor its rock stars but not its physics stars. I guess that’s the kind of behavior Dr. Hawking means aliens would display. Yeah, let’s don’t talk to them.
April 25, 2010
Middle V 
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